I once was blind

There's a perv in my 'hood, as in, we probably hang out in a two-block radius at the same time, except I'm walking home and he's groping women (WOMYN). Since the most recent incident happened around the corner from my place of employment early yesterday morning, my mother strongly suggested that from now on I take a cab home from work (it's about an 8 minute walk, no point) or purchase some pepper spray. I opted for the latter and last night, set out on a quest.
7 p.m. Walgreens on 17th-I call there and they don't sell pepper spray. The clerk says to try CVS on 15th.
7:20 p.m. CVS on 15th-I walk over, ask a clerk for pepper spray. She says, "What is that?" I say, "You spray it in someone's eyes if they're attacking you." She tells me to check the Eye Care aisle and I huff away. I ask the pharmacist my question. He says to check aisle 4. School supplies aisle. The only thing here that's going to inflict harm upon someone is me maiming myself with a holepuncher.
7:28 p.m. Duane Reed on 14th-I walk in, ask the question, the WOMYN shouts across the store at someone else, "Yo, we got Peppa Sprayye?" He looks confused, so she enacts what it might be like if someone was sprayed in the eyes. Excellent charades but no cigar. I leave.
7:33 p.m. I show up at my place of employment to ask my boss where I should go next. He looks at me like I'm an idiot (this is our working relationship). He tells me if I'm alert, not drunk, and not stupid I should be fine. Unfortunately, I'm regularly 0-for-3 based on his criteria. So he tells me to go into a pipe shop on St. Marks Place and ask around. They'll definitely have it.
7:40 p.m. What a cruel joke! My boss has sent me into tourist trap hell. No smoke shop sells this shit. The only redeeming part of walking that way was I saw an Asian guy with cornrows. What is this world coming to?
7:52 p.m. K-Mart at Astor Place. I go to the lower level where I'd expect shelves of freshly-stocked Pepper Spray. I mean, K-Mart used to sell bullets, right? After wandering for a while, I ask a clerk if they sell what I need. He says, "No, we don't sell it. Why, is someone tryin' to mess wit you?" Like, thanks K-Mart boy. Are you going to walk me home from work? How chivalrous. I begin to think maybe I should carry a baseball bat instead. Ultimately, exasperated, I end up buying this:

In twin pack form. It's fancy binaca, but the box does say not to put it in my eyes.
8:34 p.m. I return to work to give one to my friend Amanda. The trajectory is disappointing, but it should keep us safe and with great breath, for now. Another coworker tells me I should have gone to 5th and A ("They have everything!") and so I grunt a little. I decide to roam the streets for a while with my Listerine Pocket Mist.
9:45 p.m. I find myself at 5th and A with Good Gollie Miss Mollie. So we go into a store only identified as Pharmacy. They really do have an odd selection of things and lo and behold, Zee Pepper Spray!

I actually do have five fingers, just not in this photo.
Here's a close-up of the top image:

I buy two, feeling a rush more exhilarating than when buying a new car. This little sucker will definitely keep me safe. Provided I don't spray it in the wrong direction, towards my face.